February 02, 2024
A Chaplain’s Thoughts: When adult children reject the church
By Rev. James F. Quigley, O.P. ’60
Associate Chaplain, National Alumni Association
A number of young people today are not marrying. The number of Catholic church weddings has declined. Catholic parents are unhappy, confused, and surprised that their children are not interested in the sacrament of matrimony and have in fact ceased practicing the Catholic faith. These parents tried to raise their children in that faith and did all they could to that end. Now as young adults those children have decided to walk away from the Church, from Jesus Christ, from Catholic practice, from religion in general, and at times from belief in God.
In my last piece for River and Eaton, I wrote about this “disengagement” from religion and a life of faith in Jesus Christ. Some parents, former students and friends, have contacted me. They shared their sorrow, their disappointment, and their confusion. These good believing Catholics and other Christians asked if they should do something to help their sons and daughters find Jesus Christ. I offer some modest thoughts here for parents. In the next River and Eaton I will speak to those young adults, some graduates of PC, a kindly word about religion, faith, Jesus Christ, and the Catholic Church.
So, good parents, my former students, do not blame yourselves if your children have in fact disengaged from the Church, the sacraments, faith, religion. You did want you could. Don’t reject your sons and daughters, don’t hold back your love, your care. You probably couldn’t do that even if you tried! Don’t punish them even when you face difficult issues, such as, will a wedding be in the Church? Will a grandchild be baptized? Will family events exclude all religion and be totally secular, that is, no prayer at Thanksgiving dinner, no religious decorations at Christmas? Parents, stay faithful to your beliefs and be patient even in the face of what might come across as ungrateful insensitivity. God the Father, the Lord Jesus Christ, loves your children, watches over them, cares for them, and won’t walk away from them even if they walk away from Him.
Parents were and can still be witnesses to faith in God, in Jesus Christ, to Catholic life. Most importantly, they can pray privately and publicly for their children. They can continue their sacramental life. In the face of disengagement, parents may want to examine their own faith, grow in their faith, and deepen their theological understanding of the Catholic faith. By doing that, they can become a witness at times to their believing or disengaged children.
A few recommendations that may be helpful. Go online for:
Father Mike Schmitz: Bible In a Year podcast, The Catechism in a Year podcast. Listen for a short time every day when you can. This has been successful for many parents. He offers great homilies as well.
Bishop Robert Barron: His video program WordOnFire, his homilies, his marvelous video series Catholicism and its follow up Catholicism’s Pivotal Players. These combine doctrinal teaching with art and architecture and the lives of Catholic heroes over the centuries. He also offers wonderful videos on a variety of topics and challenges some positions young people have opted to follow.
Thomistic Institute: Short conferences by Dominicans in Washington, D.C., on a variety of Catholic topics and theology. The list of offerings is long and there are many choices.
There are a number of newer books that examine the reasons for Catholic disengagement. A good and helpful book is Return: How to Draw You Child Back to the Church by Brandon Vogt.
Growing in knowledge of our Catholic faith is a way of giving witness to our own faith commitment.
We must trust in the Lord, have confidence in the providence of God, that God loves and cares about your children and will not give up on them. And remember these disengaged may be searching, even a tiny bit, a search that could bring them closer to God. God is searching for them, too.
Father Quigley has been associated with Providence College as a teacher, administrator, and chaplain for more than 35 years.
